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5 Things to Look For in the VP Debate

October 4, 2016

Tonight, for one night only, see the two-man battle royale, from Farmville, Virginia, the 2016 Vice Presidential Debate!

 

It’s a “mano a mano” showdown as Democratic Senator Tim Kaine and Republican Indiana Governor Mike Pence square off in an epic fight to redeem their i̶d̶i̶o̶t̶i̶c̶ misunderstood bosses from last week’s s̶h̶a̶m̶e̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶d̶e̶b̶a̶c̶l̶e̶ triumph.

To make the most of what promises to be a m̶i̶n̶d̶-̶n̶u̶m̶b̶i̶n̶g̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶u̶l̶l̶ high-octane affair, these are the top-five things to watch for.

 

1) HIDDEN EARPIECES

Apparently Cyrano de Bergerac is a political operative for sale to the highest bidder. Hopefully he’s better at it than Greg Brady. He tried this sort of thing and inadvertently screwed Peter by accidentally wooing Kerry. Greg then had to woo her to Peter by becoming a cad, convincing Marcia to wear a disguise, and having Marcia pretend to be one of his jilted exes.

Seriously, is that the kind of leadership this country needs?

 

2) MIKE PENCE AS "MATS"

Mats is the grizzled yet fun-loving road manager in the wildly overlooked, amazingly resplendent, cinematic classic, Rock Star, starring Mark Wahlberg. There’s a scene where Wahlberg as the titular character says something so insipid to his girlfriend that Mats, the loyal servant, takes it on himself to assume the blame and cover for the boss. Sound familiar?

 

Hopefully Pence is as captivating in the role as Timothy Spall.

3) SECRET POKER "TELLS" TO SIGNAL THE MODERATOR

If Kaine orders three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, and a half a measure of Kina Lillet, he wins. If Pence is resuscitated with a glove compartment-mounted defibrillator, he’s about to get a rope knot to the nuts.

 

4) HOW MANY WAYS TO SAY "BLAND?"

Dull as dishwater, tedious, milquetoast, sapless, flan with no sugar? These guys are so straight they don’t even cast a shadow. Liven it up man! One should call Tipsy Elves and order the ugliest Christmas sweater money can buy, the other, change his name to “Turd” and wear a giant yellow foam cowboy hat.

5) ELAINE QUIJANO BECOMES BO JACKSON

Look for the moderator, Elaine Quijano, to run from the building, jump behind the wheel of a Kia Sorento, yell “play TECMO metal version,” drive back inside, and ram everything in sight. As Lester Holt and Matt Lauer can attest, no moderator wins one of these.

If Donald Trump wins the election, Pence will be president of the United States. Sure, technically, he’d be the Veep, but Trump delegates the stuff for which he’s too busy. Running the country? Ain’t nobody got time for that. ISIS? Yeah, no, I got neckties and steaks to think about. Trump has a brand to service. So, a Trump win? Mike Pence is the new quasi-pseudo-de-facto president of the United States!

 

Tim Kaine? Poor guy could disappear faster than the other guy in Wham. Hillary loses, he returns to the obscurity representative of a junior senator from Virginia. Hillary wins, he turns into the bass player from Styx-- no one will know who, or where, he is.

 

So order up a nice chardonnay, it’s the battle of guys who wear dad jeans and New Balance sneakers... it's too bad Ryan Gosling ain't there to say, "Hey, the skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack."

 

Enjoy the debate.

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